How to suck at relationships

I was a fuckbag with Number 1. She was all fucked up, dumped by her own mother as a kid and left with a stupid alchoholic father who used to hit her and I’m pretty sure raped her as a child. She, like myself, was a bipolar, as well as drug-addicted at age 13. She was a friend of mine since we were children, and we were very close, we were each other’s first crush and first love. She sure was problematic, high all the time, depressive, suicidal, and use to manipulate me – I learnt manipulation very well from her. But I sunk us. I turned our lives into shit when I started to pretend I didn’t care about her just because I was scared of losing her. That hurt her so much she became a monster slowly, and I kept feeding it. I cheated on her and she knew that. Everytime she discovered a new betrayal, she cut herself or even tried to kill herself sometimes. But not before leaving me in pieces and hit me. The Kill, by 30 Seconds to Mars was our song, as long as Space Bound by Eminem. What a joke.

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Number 2 was the girlfriend I loved most and who showed me love doesn’t break my bones. At least not literally. We were very cute with each other, but she also had her problems, and all the poliamourus relationship thing was stupid too and pretty much ruined us. She said she wanted to spend New Year’s Eve without me and I read this as a big “I DON’T LOVE YOU YOU CREEP, GET OUT I WANNA MAKE OUT WITH OTHER GIRLS” and, after a couple days manipulating her as she tried to fix things up, I broke up with her. At that time I had already killed her feelings for me.

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What am I gona say about Number 3. I was a complete bastard. Pure fucking shit, really. The girl simply ADORED me, and I despised her. And even soo, I convinced myself that I would love her because she fitted me, in my head, and so I obviously would fall in love. But that never happened. We also had an open relationship, and at the first party in town after we started dating, I went out with other girl. She wanted to go to this party, but stayed home. I was so horrible to her that she, a piescies, broke up with me.

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Number 4 was the girlfriend I was less despicable, I guess. Well, she, not like all the others, was bisexual, and cheated on me with a boy. And with a girl. I, yes, was in love with her, not 100%, but I was. And hadn’t done anything stupid until then. I didn’t broke up with her when she told me, in my mind I would try to forgive, but truly my plan was to torture her. Revenge. And so I did. I drove her crazy. I, a radical feminist, said that she owned me sex. That’s how big is the monstrous side of me I can’t control.

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And now we have girlfriend Number 5. I am completely in love with her. And trying my best not to be a scumbag. She’s older, she’s smart and artistic and special. But everyday I think about breaking up or because I’m not good enough for her or because I don’t think she likes me the way I like her or because I’m scared of losing her. I’m trying not to go mad. But I don’t know if I know how to love or if I ever will. We don’t have a song yet but I’ll hear Tove Lo – Habits all the time when she leaves me.

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